Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
