My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize