i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
