I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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