i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Found your dick twin last night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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