Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
