found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
two words: eviction party
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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