the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
