Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sext me about skeletons
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
