He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
