Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
