Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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