I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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