Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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