My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
