Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
