She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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