Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
