bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
