You just made me feel so damn special
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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