i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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