the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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