I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just want to make out with him forever
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
