planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
