You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
