I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
