I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
