I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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