No stitches, just platelets and will power
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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