1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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