i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
