So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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