I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
