Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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