if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my being single is dangerous.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
