How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
