Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize