I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize