I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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