just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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