I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
