Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
