she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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