i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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