i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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