Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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