I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
