i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
