I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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