My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
