i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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