I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just invented taco cereal.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize