she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
