nut hugger
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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